dreamboy (i wish!)

journal entry

saturday. 3:30 am.

no friends.
no bar scene.
no alcohol.

alone in the dark.

awake.
can't sleep.

still waiting
and hoping
that father time
will heal
that part of me
that keeps on
breaking...

with the cool padre and brother from tabor hills... lunch time pics in binaliw...

lunch with one of the coolest priests in the world... good luck padre (the one in a black and white polo and glasses) on your missionary work...

on the way to agpasan for our show... before the jeepers-bloopers event...

immersion 05 with level III - E (binaliw staff house)

deep sleep... BLISS!

nothing... just nothing better to do...

trying to appear as if i'm stopping the car with my own strength... as if... (told you i've nothing better to do...)

in mabolo outside the house... still with nothing to do...

in mabolo doing nothing on a weekend...

hello? hello?

i watch you move so gracefully towards me...

your beauty outshining everything on the street...

body full of warmth...

your hair flowing gently with the breeze...

you walk past me...

and i caught a glimpse of your eyes...

they are distant and cold...

they tell me i do not exist...

i am nothing!

assurance...

went to the ICU of a hospital a while ago.

i saw people hanging to a very thin thread, fighting for dear life.

you can feel their determination even when they are not moving or waking...

the doctors and nurses attending to their every need gives them the love and compassion they need in such a time....

they are hooked to monitors and various machines telling them that their cause is not lost...

they are still in the world of the living...

and i look at myself...

i am not connected to anything signifying that i contain life...

i don't have doctors and nurses making me feel warmth...

so, really, what's my assurance that i'm still alive?

letter

It’s never easy giving a letter a start after the end of a relationship. But I have come to a point where everything in my life is divided into only two parts – before and after you. And I have to at least, in some way, let you know that, if only in baring my pain to you help me sustain my grip on reality in this indifferent world. Before us, I’ve always thought that for whatever it is, if it was given an end, it is terminated, done with, and never to be dealt with again. Then I realized, you were the beginning of a lot of the best things that ever happened to me. You were a catalyst for some of the major changes that I have so gladly embraced. Changes that for the years to come would serve as the defining characteristics of my being. And it’s never easy to part with someone I have not only come to regard as someone being with me, but also, someone in me. I know that as far as you are concerned, to you, I’m just one of those characters in the after in the before and after scenes that pass by your life. I know that you probably have not the slightest inkling in thinking of me again. And that you want me to let everything go and just move on. I know you mean well but how can I? While you were the story of my life, you were also a cliffhanger. While you were the fruit orchard that my soul and my dreams walked naked, you were also the iron gate that caught my skin and ripped my body open. And I just couldn’t walk away from a part of me and never look back. It’s true that you were the sweetest torment I have ever ventured upon. But it’s also true that I have never regretted any point in our relationship. I was always looking forward to being with you. I don’t think anyone could ever find regret in having a life. You were my life. If I have never made you feel that, I’m sorry. You were. If I have made a lousy display of my affection, I apologize. While these all pertain to events in an elapsed time, I have two great concerns in the present. First, is that, I miss you. I do. You were, after all, and still are, an addiction. A breath of fresh air in the polluted and pungent city atmosphere, so to speak. This is true and not just some cheap, outdated “guy modus operandi” to lure you back to something you tried to run away from. Second, is that, I would really want to know what happened. And being imperfect as I am, please tell me where I have gone wrong and what I should have done to be that guy you have always wanted to have but never had while with me. I know I never came close to “the next best thing” that ever happened to you but I think I deserve at least a semi-educated, semi-literate, semi-civilized conversation, if only it were to end a relationship, a life, a we. That, and an explanation at least. You may not anymore want me as I am but at least help me see the faults that I made and make myself better. Give me also an occasion to air myself out to you. Give me at least a chance to hear you say it to me in a nice way. A chance to see your face when you break it to me. Maybe feel what you’re feeling. Maybe see your visions. Maybe be with you again…

bunyag

my baby alfonz aris' bunyag

my godbaby alfonz aris

just like godtatay - a real heartbreaker...

downward spiral...

Down once more
to the dungeon
of my black despair!
Down we plunge
to the prison
of my mind!
Down that path
into darkness
deep as hell!

Why, you ask,
was I bound and chained
in this cold and dismal place?
Not for any
mortal sin, but the
wickedness of
my abhorrent face!

(courtesy of phantom of the opera)

kiat lang gihapon ug mga nawng.

college buds... real friends... forever friends...

college friends... old friends... gold friends...