You have left me. You did not only leave me alone but you left me with the very distinct possibility that I may never ever find someone like you. That you might be able to find someone new and replace me in your life. That I may be stuck in this limbo that I’m currently in and you would do so well in your new world that I may never be able to bring myself to look at you and bring myself to think that you were once my peer, my equal. I’m left. I’m never alone. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not lonely. It would be too melodramatic to break out into odes and sonnets of how you are terribly missed at this early a time, yet it would also be hypocritical to dismiss the thought. Because you really are terribly missed and that’s a fact. You are my friend, my sister. You gave me a fleeting taste of heaven every time I find myself wallowing in the quagmire of my own version of hell. I miss that as much as I needed that. I shudder to think that one day I may never be able to recognize my own reflection in the mirror without your guiding light. You did catalyze a lot of my self-discoveries. You may not know this at a conscious level but you have shown other people themselves – their best, their worst, their basic humanities. And if for no apparent reason, sometimes you feel good and wonderful deep inside, it’s because you are - Good and Wonderful.
That’s why your family and friends saw you off at the airport when you left for the melting pot. That’s why they hugged you and cried before you embarked on another journey. That’s why I couldn’t. I couldn’t see you leave me. I couldn’t cry. I’m not that strong.
Monday, January 31, 2005
Sunday, January 30, 2005
Saturday, January 29, 2005
a love letter
I love you. Have I ever told you that? Have I ever really told you and made you feel that? I apologize for accomplishing a lousy display of my friendship. I know that you are the one that I’ve always needed and thank god, fated to share a part of my miserable, pathetic life through all eternity. In the course of our friendship, I may not have made you felt special but you are. You just don’t know it. You are. You are one of the exclamation points in my life. Life could never be more wonderful. You complete me. For that I am eternal grateful. It may not have manifested in our daily strife together against these insurmountable odds in life but I am. I feel inadequate when I’m with you but somehow in your own version of charm, you have made me felt so assured of my capabilities as a person as if I’ve been carrying perfection all along and didn’t know it. I know I didn’t but thanks for ushering the path to the unknown. I’ve made discoveries along the way about myself that sums up to a complete zero if not for you. Without you to share things with, some things are just a complete waste of time. There really is nothing so special about looking at a sun disappearing behind the mountains on a near evening setting. These occurrences happen every day. Nothing is so passé as watching it again and again, that is if you have lived long enough like I do (at least that’s how I feel like). But with you, somehow, this average everyday happening becomes the "embracing warmth of twilight mixed with cooling wonder of the enveloping black night". You were there with me. It didn’t matter where we were to view it. You were there. That made the difference and somehow made that infamous place wonderful. Because I was there and so were you. We even took pictures of the sight like as if a glossy paper with colors on it can contain the depth of the love that we have shared, the magic of laughter we have exchanged with each other, the torment and tragedies of the tears we have experienced, the thousand deaths we have lived through for each despair encountered and the hope of our winged hearts for our vision of the morrow. But we took pictures. We unbelievably share the passion for immortalizing the moments we deemed worthy to be called memories. We may not have discovered the full purpose of those pictures but we still have time. I always knew that you will always be there to give meaning to my monotonous existence. I have you and you have me. We have each other. We will so fondly reveal to ourselves its purpose in our own time. And like all things on this universe, it’ll be as special as our other mementos because we will be there sharing it like all the other little things in life which were made big because we are aware of the power we hold in our hearts. Because of you I feel loved, important, and powerful. Your love gives me power. I know I have never thanked you enough. Judging from your overall effect in my life, maybe, no words could suffice all my gratefulness to you. I could never thank you or love you enough. I could only try. And no matter what happens between us, I will never be whole without you and I will always love you. If only for loving you sustain me through the sadistic jokes of reality called living. I love you, my friend. You are my life.
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