ballad

Clutching the body

Half- alive, half - dead

Striving to recollect

Broken pieces

Of a pride and life

What has been

A lonely struggle

The futile strife

Half a dream

Over a millionSuffering,

tormented

Marred soul

Destroyed,

disfigured

Rejected,

humiliated

Being Alienated,

a derelict

Indifferent now

Unmoved,

unknown

Hope vanished,

stolen

Faith - lost

In agony

Cold

Alone.

ballad of the mistrel man

Sometimes, in my overwakefulness, dreams come to me in guises of reality. It is in not sleeping that I find myself sinking in the quagmire of an even deeper dream. In times of living color, of vivid reality, I wallow in an all too familiar black pit devoid of light. It is in my aloneness that I drown in noise that my ears fail to perceive - of moans, of tortured suffering, of spiritual anguish and emotional despair. In times when I find myself in the midst of friends and relatives, I find myself shivering of cold, being drawn into that desolate chasm - falling, alienated, alone. The comfort offered by everyday domestic luxuries pierce my body with venomous thorns making me bleed and writhe in pain. I derive ridicule in praise. People’s assurance and laughter deafens me - grabs my heart from my breast and crushes it. Their comforting wisdom and guidance cripples my self-concept, thereby killing reason, and sits grinning in the funeral. Sanity is then frozen with their hypocritical warmth and then thawed by the scorched soul with blistering heat while being thrown in the funeral pyre.
I futily sleep to wake-up from this nightmare - only to wake-up after and taste death in the dreams of the overwakefulness of life.
“Et clamor meus ad te veniat…”

swansong

There was a point in my life when no one could be happier than I. At that time, it seemed that nothing mattered anymore. No one mattered anymore. It was when time and space mingled into an inconceivable blur. The chaos of the outside world blended in the background. It lost its weight, its impact. It was as if all I ever wished since childhood came true. Everything I ever needed materialized into one absolute happy package and I had it all. Everything was perfect. Everything was too good to be true.It probably was. Now, I can’t think of anything besides farewell. I didn’t regret it though. In fact, If I have to relive my life again, I would relive that moment. No ifs, no buts. That time was a definite all time high in my “so called life”. But no matter how much I try so hard to rekindle the passion, the flame is just isn’t there anymore. Maybe it was the countless realizations along the way. Right now, I think of a lot of things. I think of joy, of sorrow, of passion, of lessons learned and everything in between. And yet no matter how many adjectives I try to apply to everything that happened before, I still am unable to utter a word. Because how do you say what you feel and not get hurt when nothing you could ever say is more appropriate than “goodbye?”

from tatay....

i miss my anak.
end.

my anak... new zealand boy now... 

my bestfriend ivy with daughter thea & son (my godson) gil daniel (from new zealand) - well missed.... 

at a videoke bar the midnight following the wedding 

renren (the groom; 3rd from left) and the groomsmen (i'm the last one on the right) 

teeling's & renren's wedding with classmates from college 

a barrage of pictures...

suddenly all those happy memories came flooding my mind...
suffocating me, actually....
thus, all these pics from a previous life were posted...
before i drown completely in the flood of happy memories...
(never thought happy memories can be so sad....)

outside of mi vida with then "friends"... 

with VCMC friends @ cafe royale  

christmas party (03) at sunflower city with friends from VCMC 

CONFIRMED!

there i was eating in the most obvious of ways... plate settings, food, beverage, table napkin, etc...
then came people and immediately after seeing you trying to masticate the bit of dead animal part inside your mouth, they asked: "What are you doing?"
i can think of some possible answers:
A. i'm knitting a sweater
B. providing world peace
C. trying to kick your grandmother's remaining teeth out of her mouth
but i chose D - be civilized and actually answered: "i'm eating" which later will make me feel like an idiot for answering...

there i was sitting on some public waiting area waiting for the bus to come... in came a big fat guy who looked like he ate his whole family in just 2 weeks & stepped on my new, white leather shoes...
that's not the bad part...
he just went on as if nothing happened...
if he was human, he would've said "sorry"... simple as that....
but he's not...

there i was minding my own business while ignoring some people that i actually know to be irritating, then, out of the blue, these people approached me and said :"we noticed you staying here all by yourself. would you like to gossip with us?"
(yes, that's what i wanted all along, that's why i was trying very hard to ignore you, morons!)

no matter how good you feel in a day, somebody (or if you are lucky, a lot of people) will effortlessly ruin your day for you....

this confirms my longstanding suspicion that the world is overpopulated with the wrong kind of people!!!

when living is killing you

the weight of the world is on my balls and it's weighing me down....
the people around just whizzz past me.....
this world is so disconnected right now....
i'm from planet HELLO.... HELLO.... HELLO.....
nobody's fucking out there....
aaaaaarrrrgggghhhhh!!!!!
life is a bitch and LIVING is KILLING ME!!!!

vain to the max