for dixie

You have left me. You did not only leave me alone but you left me with the very distinct possibility that I may never ever find someone like you. That you might be able to find someone new and replace me in your life. That I may be stuck in this limbo that I’m currently in and you would do so well in your new world that I may never be able to bring myself to look at you and bring myself to think that you were once my peer, my equal. I’m left. I’m never alone. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not lonely. It would be too melodramatic to break out into odes and sonnets of how you are terribly missed at this early a time, yet it would also be hypocritical to dismiss the thought. Because you really are terribly missed and that’s a fact. You are my friend, my sister. You gave me a fleeting taste of heaven every time I find myself wallowing in the quagmire of my own version of hell. I miss that as much as I needed that. I shudder to think that one day I may never be able to recognize my own reflection in the mirror without your guiding light. You did catalyze a lot of my self-discoveries. You may not know this at a conscious level but you have shown other people themselves – their best, their worst, their basic humanities. And if for no apparent reason, sometimes you feel good and wonderful deep inside, it’s because you are - Good and Wonderful.
That’s why your family and friends saw you off at the airport when you left for the melting pot. That’s why they hugged you and cried before you embarked on another journey. That’s why I couldn’t. I couldn’t see you leave me. I couldn’t cry. I’m not that strong.