letter

It’s never easy giving a letter a start after the end of a relationship. But I have come to a point where everything in my life is divided into only two parts – before and after you. And I have to at least, in some way, let you know that, if only in baring my pain to you help me sustain my grip on reality in this indifferent world. Before us, I’ve always thought that for whatever it is, if it was given an end, it is terminated, done with, and never to be dealt with again. Then I realized, you were the beginning of a lot of the best things that ever happened to me. You were a catalyst for some of the major changes that I have so gladly embraced. Changes that for the years to come would serve as the defining characteristics of my being. And it’s never easy to part with someone I have not only come to regard as someone being with me, but also, someone in me. I know that as far as you are concerned, to you, I’m just one of those characters in the after in the before and after scenes that pass by your life. I know that you probably have not the slightest inkling in thinking of me again. And that you want me to let everything go and just move on. I know you mean well but how can I? While you were the story of my life, you were also a cliffhanger. While you were the fruit orchard that my soul and my dreams walked naked, you were also the iron gate that caught my skin and ripped my body open. And I just couldn’t walk away from a part of me and never look back. It’s true that you were the sweetest torment I have ever ventured upon. But it’s also true that I have never regretted any point in our relationship. I was always looking forward to being with you. I don’t think anyone could ever find regret in having a life. You were my life. If I have never made you feel that, I’m sorry. You were. If I have made a lousy display of my affection, I apologize. While these all pertain to events in an elapsed time, I have two great concerns in the present. First, is that, I miss you. I do. You were, after all, and still are, an addiction. A breath of fresh air in the polluted and pungent city atmosphere, so to speak. This is true and not just some cheap, outdated “guy modus operandi” to lure you back to something you tried to run away from. Second, is that, I would really want to know what happened. And being imperfect as I am, please tell me where I have gone wrong and what I should have done to be that guy you have always wanted to have but never had while with me. I know I never came close to “the next best thing” that ever happened to you but I think I deserve at least a semi-educated, semi-literate, semi-civilized conversation, if only it were to end a relationship, a life, a we. That, and an explanation at least. You may not anymore want me as I am but at least help me see the faults that I made and make myself better. Give me also an occasion to air myself out to you. Give me at least a chance to hear you say it to me in a nice way. A chance to see your face when you break it to me. Maybe feel what you’re feeling. Maybe see your visions. Maybe be with you again…