confessions of a pain addict

(this is an entry from my friendster blog that i didn't edit)

some people (yep, plural) asked why i only post painful blog entries and not happy ones and i know a lot of my blog readers are asking the same question (even if they are not as articulate as the others) along with when is this guy going to slash his wrist? (LOL) doesn't he have happy times?

well to answer your questions, my dear rabid avid fans (all the 3 of you... or maybe less), read on:

1. i do have happy times and i do have journal entries and write ups about them but the reason why you, my faithful minions, haven't read about them here is because I DON'T FEEL like posting them here yet... maybe you'll read them here, then again, maybe NOT!

2. speaking of journal entries, i do keep a journal called I'M A SEX MANIAC "TODO SOBRE MI VIDA LOCA" and i primarily write my thoughts there... those that i find interesting (according to me anyway) i post here or in my other blog PAZUZU690 over at blogspot which has more entries than what i have here at friendster. this also means that a lot of my thoughts/musings/rantings with "happy" or "contented" undertones/content which aren't posted here are actually contained there in my journal.

3. i basically don't do drama in real life. this is my outlet. sort of like a poor man's therapy session. i get to vent out and unload all my stress/angst/frustrations/etc at all of you my unsuspecting victims , ummm, ahhh, friends.

in real life, i absorb all my friends' dramas. because of this outlet here, i don't feel the need to be overly dramatic in real life anymore. in fact, i get to be cerebral and mental (as opposed to sentimental) when dealing with the outside world. this means that you could not expect to see me in the real world crying while tearing my clothes, kneeling on the street with outstretched hands to the sky and asking some mythical creature (such as a god or unicorn or something) why THIS has happened to me!

4. ironically (is this a word?), i re-read my painful thoughts here and try and absorb the lessons contained in all these dramas. these entries catalyze some of my amazing learnings in life. sure they are very painful and they make me want to kill people sometimes seem hopeless but they also remind me that my existence is real and i am, at my very best and worst, human.... whatever that means!

5. lastly, i feel that my mind is in its most chaotic state when i'm in emotional pain (my most painful physical experience, the one where it caused me to collapse on the side of the street, can not compare to my mildly painful emotional experience) and by writing these entries i, at least in my own way, have implemented order in mind, arranged things into perspective and re-packaged my disorder/insanity into something that people can understand and relate to.

I FEEL THAT I HAVE THE MOST EVIL ENTITY INSIDE MY ABYSS AND WHEN IT STARES AT ME FROM THE CHASM I IMMEDIATELY GIVE IT A PERSONALITY MAKING IT EASIER FOR ME TO DEPERSONALIZE IT!

isn't that crazy nice?